As I begin writing today, I know that I’m not in the best frame of mind. The weather outside is clear with a slight chill to the dry air, the wind gusting in from the north. A beautiful day, perfect for sitting with the windows cracked, while fresh air fights the sunshine to be first through the window. I filed my taxes last night, a new record for me- one day early. After I closed the last page of my first refund in years, Tammy called to check on me. Earlier in the evening, I had taken a quick break to return her youngest daughter, Sarah. Apparently I looked pretty wiped out and overwhelmed when we were at their house, so she wanted to make sure I was feeling alright. A culmination of activity was taking place in our home during the moment she called; kids were making their way to beds, I was conducting activity from the keyboard of my laptop, the kitchen mess was calling my name, and the book I wanted desperately to sit down to read was practically coming alive while sitting on my nightstand begging for attention. Tammy’s call was perfectly timed in spite of it all, as it usually is.
“Hey! You okay?” she began.
“Hey there, Sunshine, how are ya’?” I responded directly avoiding her question.
“You looked pretty beat earlier, just wanted to make sure you were okay”
“Tammy, if I could pay someone to breath for me, I would. That pretty much sums it up. I’m exhausted. I’m always tired. I don’t want to do anything anymore… Where do I go to give up? I’m empty and I’m bored. I feel so completely uninspired, unmotivated, and untouchable right now. And do you know what the worst part about it is?” I continued. “I have no reason to be. I have two beautiful children, I own my own home, have a great job, have a gorgeous car, and am relatively healthy. I want for nothing. But here I am, completely and utterly, blah. If this is it, take me now.”
This was not a startling realization. In fact, I’ve been reconciling this conclusion for a while now. At first it was difficult to admit, and much easier to blame on hormone fluctuations, job related stress, life related stress, etc. You name it, I would blame it! But here I am, in all my emotional nakedness, with no where left to run and hide. And I am raising my hands in surrender, with my palms and my tearful, weary eyes lifted to the Lord, screaming out, “I AM NOTHING!” And as I specifically remember this time last year, I was frustrated with being NOWHERE!
Ugh. I’m not sure if that made me feel better, or worse. What a sad revelation. The pit of emptiness that I have been living in for so long is almost to the point of complete takeover. Who am I, and what am I doing here? And how in God’s name did I get here?
I cannot speak for others out there, I can only account for me, and my emotional reaction to situations. In times such as these, when the harsh reality of my life comes swelling up to smack me in the face, I do not often ignore it, but I often keep too busy to deal with it. In the rat race of life, it is certainly easy to sweep these sorts of things under the rug and go on with our daily routines, pretending that merely existing is enough. I’m just as guilty as any in this department, rushing from here to there, burying myself in work and with kids, as not to notice my lack of depth. Mother, daughter, friend, realtor, Christian, woman, wife; I can play most parts very well- except wife. I failed miserably at that. Each is functional, dutiful, and loyal. Society has set expectations for each role and I have filled the order. Nonetheless, I have spent the latter half of my life going through the motions of existence, but totally missing the opportunity to immerse myself in the beauty of the life that was given to me through sacrifice. This brings me to where I am today- nowhere.
Well, I am actually somewhere. Specifically, I am sitting in front of my laptop, listening to the gust of winds blow fiercely against the house, and draft down the chimney, and I am attempting to do something, and apparently that is writing. If you asked me at this exact moment in time what I would be writing about, I would have to be honest and say, I have absolutely no idea. I will admit to only have been tugged at for years to write something. Each time the little voice in my head would tell me to write, I would respond with the sarcasm of myself, “what in the world would you write about, and why would anyone in their right mind read anything you have written?”
That’s a formidable question. This morning, as preparing for yet another day on the job that I am rapidly beginning to resent, I asked myself another question. You know, the one that every self-help book and journey to discovery story would have you ask: “If you had to do one thing for the rest of your life and be happy doing so, what would you do?” or better yet, “what is the one thing that you can’t NOT do for the rest of your life?” Now, for me to answer this is not easy in any way. You see, I am a jack of all trades. Good at most anything I set my mind to. But of course, as is the case with a jack of all trades, I am master at nothing. There are plenty of things out there that I enjoy doing. My current job in fact is one of the most satisfying fields that I have ever worked in, Real Estate. I love houses – the construction, the architecture, the design of the décor, floor plan, color, texture, placement on the land, lot lines, title searches, the list goes on. But as for being passionate about it, and it being fulfilling, this is not it for me. Lately, I have found my career a mere means to pay bills, if I’m lucky enough to do that. The day to day business of my career drains my excitement, and love of the product.
As I stood in the hot shower earlier this morning, pondering what I could do in life that would fulfill me, it made perfect sense. Writing has always been there. Even as a child I would write stories and poems and songs. I would imagine myself speaking in front of large audiences about life and love, and being a princess. Oh, I was always perfectly dressed too, carrying the most fashionable handbag and wearing a stunning pair of shoes. Throughout my youth, I kept a journal, and at moments in my life that I felt most challenged, I wrote religiously. Everything inside me needed to pour out, like letting a caged animal being set free.
Most days, I fully intend to be busy, but that was not the case at all today. This morning, after I dropped the children off at school, I pulled into the garage, closed the garage door, shut off the engine and closed my eyes. I was actually falling asleep when my cell phone vibrated on the shiny wood grain console of my car. “Now what? It’s only eight-fifteen,” I thought to myself. Looking down, I realized it was Tammy. “Thank God.” We chatted for a minute, and I headed into the house straightening the morning dishes as we spoke, found the bag of mini chocolate doughnuts and ate just one. Okay, two. Well, really it was three, but that’s all, I swear. After I concealed the evidence, I sat down at my laptop, hung up the phone and was thankful that Tammy had called and motivated me to get out of the car and into the house. Here’s where the productivity ceased: At my laptop, with another doughnut in my mouth. So I decided to write instead.
These last twelve months have been a year of minimizing for me. No man, no TV (yes, that’s right for nearly a year, no cable TV. Ghastly isn’t it!), little work, and relatively few close girlfriends. My family is all on the West Coast and the nearest relative lives about 3500 miles away. It’s just me, and the kids. As I look back on it now, this has been a year of tearing me down and isolating me and like a good soldier should do, I let myself break down.
When my children are away with their father, I have the opportunity to be just me, a single woman. Often Tammy and I spend time together and pretend to be younger and more carefree. Tammy has been dating a man for over two years and is required to devote some of her time to him. Those are the times I find myself bored to tears and lonely beyond belief. Prolonged solitude is not healthy for me, but I know that being alone is something that I need to get used to. I need to relearn how to be okay with being alone, especially during the day, outside of work. The time I have had to myself lately has magnified the feeling of nothingness, and emptiness. I’ve never before had so much time alone and it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to just be me. I no longer know what makes me happy, other than my children of course. I don’t know what excites me anymore as my fire burned out a long time ago.
I have to admit that the last week has been spent mildly unproductive. This week I suppose, has been focused on my many inadequacies. This morning, I stood in front of the mirror, taking notice to the deepening lines, pimples I was sure were going to go away after my teenage years and invasion of multiple gray hairs on my head – and that’s fully clothed. Naked in front of the mirror is a topic I never want to address in any forum! There I was in the middle of criticizing myself, and God interrupted.
Now, the standard disclaimer that should be required after announcing that God himself has spoken to you is going to be inserted here for those that think when God speaks his voice is actually heard within earshot and the recipient has then lost their mind. When I say ‘God spoke to me’, this is what I mean: He impressed a thought upon me that I knew was not my own, because it was not my natural tendency to think something of that nature and I know it was God because it was totally consistent with His teaching, and His Love. Of course this is not to say that this is the only way God speaks, but it is how He communicated with me today. Now that we have established that I have not lost my mind, at least not entirely anyway, I can tell you what He said.
The words rang within me that when God teaches you about yourself, he will focus on the AM not the AM NOT, and the CAN not the CANNOT. I’m starring at the mirror, running through fingers through my golden locks, and peering at my pimple and God wants me to hear this loud and clear. “Stop the self defamation, and listen up kid”, he seems to be saying. “If you are at My feet looking for direction, I will give it to you. But do not undermine My work with your constant second guessing, and criticizing of my work.”
That last part hits home big time. I know that’s not my thought – that’s Him, loud and clear. I am His work of art. Would you dare stand next to Monet, ask him how to paint and then criticize one of his most beautiful masterpieces? Not in a million years. And God is the artist we are talking about, and I do it everyday, all day long.
So if God wants focus on the AM, not the AM NOT what does that mean? The only explanation that I feel can do this justice is this; as I have taught my own children, don’t focus on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have. This is usually in terms of things, stuff, clothes, games, etc. If God is applying this to me, and my journey, and He is telling me to focus on what I am, not what I am not, I believe He is telling me to focus on the great qualities that he blessed me with- my strengths, not my weaknesses.
(When God teaches, it is typically pretty simplistic I’ve noticed and I AM the one that tends complicate it.)
Now to the CAN and CANNOT. Do I really need to explain this? God wants focus on what I can do, more importantly, what He can enable me to do. Spending any time at all worrying about what I cannot do is a colossal waste of time, ultimately keeping me from doing what I CAN do.
This applies to discerning when God is teaching me about myself, and when I am at work, undermining His will. If I am listening carefully to what He is saying, He will be talking very clearly about what I am; beautiful, intelligent and capable. Also, what I can do; love faithfully, walk faithfully, and speak faithfully. If I AM doing those things, I will be what He wills me to be, and not what I have decided to NOT be.
As I walk along my yet undiscovered road, and seek His guidance, I need to remember these lessons. I know this is all pretty basic, but I cannot help but wonder how many times I will have to learn it. I would like to say it will be only once, but the truth of the matter is that old habits die hard, especially when you are as stubborn of a woman such as me. I will have to be constantly reminded not to be the critic of the Great Artist, and simply enjoy being the masterpiece he created. By God’s hands I am destined for greatness and by my own hands I am accepting, too accepting, of mediocrity. Why not put down my brush, and let the Artist take up His to finish His masterpiece? I am the only one standing in the way of where and who I should be. Now the question is where do I go from here? I can feel it inside of me like an unstoppable force – write. I have to do it. Today I step faithfully out into the world not knowing where I am to land with the confidence that I am to do one thing – write.
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