Written a while back, 2007

The following is a journal entry from last year, 2007 in early spring. Life was changing fast in some aspects, and not fast enough in others. In the end, the picture to the left reminded me what my purpose on this earth is- to be a mother to my children. This of course is not my only purpose, but it is one that has lifelong effects, for generations to come. Sometimes it takes a gentle reminder to refocus our direction and efforts. This picture is my reminder.

Written Last year...

"You will never leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be." March 13, 2007

Almost desperate for some words of encouragement to boost the motivation in my real estate career, I clicked on the bulk email sent by Lowe's Home Improvement to Realtors for practical advice. Advice that might trigger some thought or action, power lifting my career to unimaginable heights despite the sluggish and dreary market. Instead, the words "You will never leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be" came scrolling across the screen like a dagger in my eyes; more accurately- a knife in the heart and a blow to my spirit. I am certain in most cases that those words would have been motivating for people that are already on an intentional path. Those that have already had their path set on a course, and are only in need of a little wind in there sail. I on the other hand, at the age of 32, am still searching for that path. At this point in my life, I feel stuck. It's as though I am in the middle of a very dense forest, trees everywhere, nighttime has fallen, and I have no idea how to get out, if I want to get out at all.

The past few years have been more than a little challenging. After the divorce, I was prematurely forced back into the work force. Career choices had to be made and God opened doors and blessed me with a job that took me through very tough financial times. He provided a period of time when there was no worry about money, or how bills were going to be paid. I rested in those moments, and it allowed me to keep my focus on my children, and transition them through life changes. For that I am truly thankful. As time has passed though, the real estate market has slowed significantly, and I am left to consider if this is where God wants me to be in terms of career. As much as I have enjoyed the real estate industry, is this what He has designed me to do? Is this where I am to serve him? Is this what I am to do to provide for my family? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I just shut up and do my job? So many questions, and no answers. I look for answers every where. Just show me a sign. Big billboard signs please, Lord, because I am only a stupid human and I need "in your face" kind of signs. But, nothing. No trace of direction.

So, back to those words "You will never leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be". Wow, what if you don't know where you want to be? What if you have lost all desire to be anything – to go any particular place. What if there is nothing in your heart that says "Go. Do." How do you get out of where you are? I know I don't want to be here, in this void, but I have no idea where to go from here. I'm just – here. That is totally unlike me. I have always had a direction, and been highly motivated. All that is gone.

Now what?

As a Christian, and a believer of God, and a "saved woman ( at least I hope I'm saved)", I tell myself that it is perfectly okay to not know where I am going next. After all, now God can take you where He wants you to be. When you loose your direction, it leaves more room for God's direction. When the ground you are standing on falls out from under you, The rock that is God is right there to land on. When you feel blind, God gives you light. When you are lost, God is guiding you always. When you hurt, God is there to comfort you. I know all of the spiritual answers. I know where to look for God's Love and Grace. But knowing it and believing it are two different things. Right now, I am struggling with believing it.

I know He is here, though for the life of me, I can't figure out why He loves little old me. I know he has a plan for me. It is the belief that I am capable of those plans that I am lacking at this moment. I don't believe that my heart can be healed, and softened again. I don't believe that I am worthy of His mercy and abundant blessings that He promised.

Writing those words hurts. Getting it out hurts. Admitting that I am lacking in faith hurts. It diminishes who I am, and more importantly diminishes what God has created. I feel like it is a slap in God's face to say those things. When God has plans for us, it is He that equips us. ("God does not call the equipped, He equips the called"). I just want to believe it.

For right now, I suppose I need to concentrate less on where I should end up, and focus on believing that no matter what direction my next step is in, that God will be there to plant my foot on solid ground. "