Most days I allow my alarm clock to alert me for well over an hour before I actually do what it is telling me to do- get up. Realizing this is a bad habit, I decided that I would leave the music from z88.3 that plays as my alarm to keep playing. I figured, what a great way to start the day! So this morning, as Tatum was snuggled beside me on a cold morning when the musical alarm beckoned me out of bed, I lay there just a little longer to absorb the moment of my beautiful daughter in a state of complete peace. As I was gently wiping boogars from beneath her nose, I remembered back to when she was a toddler.
Tatum talked at a very early age, at 5 months she had masted mama and dada, and by 7 months, she looked out our bedroom window and said "Dird" as she gazed at a bird on a wire. The floodgates opened from there and our house has not had a quiet moment since. She also began walking shortly after bypassing the crawling stage all together. To say she is my active child does not do her personality justice.
At about two, and speaking in full sentences, she would wake up each morning, come find me sleeping wherever I was and annnounce with a full heart of joy, "Mommy, the sun is awake!" as though it was a surprise to her that the amazing sun had done it again. This was of course my queue to get up, make her breakfast, and be awake with the sun. In the moment as sweet as it was, I certainly did not appreciate that she woke with the sun, at the same time as the sun, whatever time that may have been. If the sun was awake, in her mind she too must be awake. Looking back, the nievity and innocence of her daily proclomation brings absolute delight to my soul. She was rejoicing in a miracle we take for granted....
She is completely unaware that she has taught me any lessons in this life, but my daughter at the age of nine has taught me more than I ever could have dreamed. I tell her often that I am glad she's my daughter, she doesn't realize that had it not been for the unplanned blessing of herI would not be the person I am today. To date, these are the lessons I have learned from her:
Dance while everyone is watching, so what if they laugh it's good for the soul.
Making a complete fool of yourself brings joy to someone else, go for it.
Have compassion for those that are not as strong, one day you'll need help too.
Drama queens love glitter. And glitter makes us happy...
Boys drool and Girls rule no matter who they are!
The Son is Awake! Every day! Let's be awake too!
All the world is a stage, but I'd rather perform in our living room for my family!
God, I love her! What a blessing!
Addie Owens-Donovan
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Making the most of a tight budget
This past week there has been a lot of discussion regarding our current economic crisis. News of automakers needing bailouts, stock markets dropping and unexpected significant rise in unemployment rates have dominated the airways, and internet. As we approach what is normally the years best season of retail performance, we are hesitant if not incapable to spend little, if any extra money we may have. It's a hard reality that we are all facing this season. During my time writing for the blog, I did not want to focus on this subject as I wanted things to be kept light, uplifting, and upbeat. I had to adjust that mindset today.
The past few days have been spent working on a bible study I am writing and thinking, praying and listening for the next topic here on our blog. What occured to me this morning was that the topic of financial woes does not have to be depressing at all- so why avoid it? As a full time realtor and single mother, I know all too well how difficult it is to keep afloat financially. Though we are now officially (according to the government) in a recession, I have been feeling the impact financially for nearly two years. And for well over two years I have been provided for faithfully, experienced more personal growth than I ever could have imagined, and been blessed with amazing opportunities I never thought possible. I want to take this opportunity to share with you a few things that could help your family enjoy your times through the season of a tight belt...
-Meal share with friends and neighbors. Take turns cooking and cleaning and keep it simple. We do this twice a week in our house and between the food, fellowship, and financial benefit, this is a great way to enjoy a tight budget.
-Entertainment is expensive. Go to the park with your family... Play ball, throw a frisbee, have a picnic, enjoy the time with eachother. Too cold to go outside? Make game night a priority. Use Google to look up new games that you have not tried before and enjoy learning something new. Have movie night with a group of friends and family, microwave that popcorn and add a few skittles for a little extra fun! Kids love it (so do I).
-Books are wonderful, and I love to buy them because having to part with them is sad to me... But, I have learned that the library has some too, so now I go there (amazing what you'll discover when you are forced to! lol). Give it a try. Most children love going to the library as well. You can check out music, movies, books, magazines all for FREE!
-Cable TV is a luxury, not a necessity. We went without it for a full year, and are ready to do it again. Kids do not need it, and when you are in the mood to veg out, rent a movie, or buy a cheapie from a discount store. It's amazing all the things you will find time for if you eliminate the biggest source of distraction in our lives. Missing your favorite show? Catch them online... -Try a neighborhood swap instead of a garage sale. You would be amazed at what you can accomplish by simply offering what you have for someone else.
-Gym memberships are very expensive, but keeping fit is essential to a healthy life. We are blessed with many options for fitness in and around our daily enviornment. Go for a walk, bikeride or run. Find a routine that you could do at home- invite your family to participate! -Trade services. Mow eachothers grass, take turns. Home repairs, babysitting, cleaning, laundry, editing, painting, etc. We all do something for a living, try doing it for someone else that may need it.
-Christmas gifts are costly and though retailers are offering huge discounts right now, they are still selling what boils down to being "stuff". Who needs it? I know I don't. and I know my kids don't. I have already sat down with them and let them know that it will be tight this year, but we are still going to have a lot of fun. You know what? They are okay with that. I asked them to make a list of three things they would want, and that I would get them one. This is an opportunity for our children to learn- don't deny them that! It won't always be like this!
-Church budgets are tight right now and they will continue to be. It's time to step up and help out. Help clean the grounds, pull weeds, offer help in the office, reduce the size of your bulletins, etc. We need our churches to stay open, so we can help eachother get through this season in life.
In a time that is easy to become selfish in terms of pinching pennies, and keeping everything we have, just incase- I think it is best to do the opposite. Start giving. Start sharing. Start loving, and really LIVING! The blessings bestowed on you for doing what God has called us to do is worth a lifetime of JOY! And that is HIS PROMISE!
Addie Owens-Donovan
Author
The past few days have been spent working on a bible study I am writing and thinking, praying and listening for the next topic here on our blog. What occured to me this morning was that the topic of financial woes does not have to be depressing at all- so why avoid it? As a full time realtor and single mother, I know all too well how difficult it is to keep afloat financially. Though we are now officially (according to the government) in a recession, I have been feeling the impact financially for nearly two years. And for well over two years I have been provided for faithfully, experienced more personal growth than I ever could have imagined, and been blessed with amazing opportunities I never thought possible. I want to take this opportunity to share with you a few things that could help your family enjoy your times through the season of a tight belt...
-Meal share with friends and neighbors. Take turns cooking and cleaning and keep it simple. We do this twice a week in our house and between the food, fellowship, and financial benefit, this is a great way to enjoy a tight budget.
-Entertainment is expensive. Go to the park with your family... Play ball, throw a frisbee, have a picnic, enjoy the time with eachother. Too cold to go outside? Make game night a priority. Use Google to look up new games that you have not tried before and enjoy learning something new. Have movie night with a group of friends and family, microwave that popcorn and add a few skittles for a little extra fun! Kids love it (so do I).
-Books are wonderful, and I love to buy them because having to part with them is sad to me... But, I have learned that the library has some too, so now I go there (amazing what you'll discover when you are forced to! lol). Give it a try. Most children love going to the library as well. You can check out music, movies, books, magazines all for FREE!
-Cable TV is a luxury, not a necessity. We went without it for a full year, and are ready to do it again. Kids do not need it, and when you are in the mood to veg out, rent a movie, or buy a cheapie from a discount store. It's amazing all the things you will find time for if you eliminate the biggest source of distraction in our lives. Missing your favorite show? Catch them online... -Try a neighborhood swap instead of a garage sale. You would be amazed at what you can accomplish by simply offering what you have for someone else.
-Gym memberships are very expensive, but keeping fit is essential to a healthy life. We are blessed with many options for fitness in and around our daily enviornment. Go for a walk, bikeride or run. Find a routine that you could do at home- invite your family to participate! -Trade services. Mow eachothers grass, take turns. Home repairs, babysitting, cleaning, laundry, editing, painting, etc. We all do something for a living, try doing it for someone else that may need it.
-Christmas gifts are costly and though retailers are offering huge discounts right now, they are still selling what boils down to being "stuff". Who needs it? I know I don't. and I know my kids don't. I have already sat down with them and let them know that it will be tight this year, but we are still going to have a lot of fun. You know what? They are okay with that. I asked them to make a list of three things they would want, and that I would get them one. This is an opportunity for our children to learn- don't deny them that! It won't always be like this!
-Church budgets are tight right now and they will continue to be. It's time to step up and help out. Help clean the grounds, pull weeds, offer help in the office, reduce the size of your bulletins, etc. We need our churches to stay open, so we can help eachother get through this season in life.
In a time that is easy to become selfish in terms of pinching pennies, and keeping everything we have, just incase- I think it is best to do the opposite. Start giving. Start sharing. Start loving, and really LIVING! The blessings bestowed on you for doing what God has called us to do is worth a lifetime of JOY! And that is HIS PROMISE!
Addie Owens-Donovan
Author
My son... My comdedian...
My son has the habit of coming up with some pretty funny things to say.... This morning, he's in the middle of ordering his lunch (apparently I looked like a take out window today), explaining he would like a ham sandwhich, chips, maybe a bean and cheese burrito, one of those brownies you made last night (aha- now I know why he wants me to make his lunch today), and something to drink... "Oh, yeah, mom, I left my lunch box at school the other day"..... loooong pause while I'm glaring at him with 'the look'- raised eybrow, lowered chin, head tilted, slight grimace... he must have sensed somehow that I was mildly displeased (hmm.. wonder why), when suddenly with a facial expression of complete delight he interjects, "TaaDaaahh"... as though leaving his lunch box at school was the equivilent of making it disappear as though he were a great magician... My response, laughing, "Okay, David Blane, now make it reappear, or you eat school lunch foreva!!"
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
On the lighter side... The Clawless Killer Cat...
As a Real Estate Appraiser, I have seen alot! I have inspected crack houses where a majority of the inhabitants were rodents and roaches. I've seen rooms with gaping holes in the floors, ceilings and walls with feces spread around the bathroom, and meth cooking in the kitchen like dinner, dishes not done, uh, EVER! That is only the begining of some of the most disturbing experiences to date! But today takes the cake! At least with those just mentioned, I was mearly passing through momentarily and on my way back to my comfy little car! NOT TODAY!
I had committed to doing an open house this afternoon for a fellow Realtor in my office. Servicing a listing for another agent is a great way to build your client list of buyers, and it helps the owners feel that someone is doing something to sell their cute little house on the pond! So, I walk into the home, where I have been to previously and am greeted by the cat. Not just any old cat. A cat with a HUGE attitude. He is pearched on the couch that acts as a partitian wall between the entry and living room, and he is hissing at me. As I step closer to him, the cat bats at me repeatedly. He proceeds to sit into his hind legs as though he is going to launch!!! I did not even know how to react! I mean really, it's just a freakin cat! I back up, call the listing agent and explain to him that I would love to do the open house, but the cat has prevented me from entering the home. He offers to call the owners for me, and I retreat like a beaten human back to my car and wait.
The agent calls me back, and explains that the homeowner says the cat sometimes 'acts like this, don't worry, the cat has no claws, just ignore him and he will go away'......uh, huh...okay. So, I build up some new nerve and decide that "NO cat is going to stop me from doing MY JOB!"... yah. So, I burst through the door (quietly hoping he has moved on to a different part of the house), and realize he is laying in wait for the intruder to come back. I shield myself with my laptop, and have my handbag at the ready to ward off the beast!
I run past the cat (in heals, carrying a laptop, purse, and diet coke, keys, cell phone, etc) and try to get to the kitchen. The killer cat chases me through the house and corners me on the couch in the living room. At this point all I have left in my hand is my purse, which I am swinging through the air, and cussing at the cat violently, trying to get him to go away (very much like my exhusband!)! I am finally able to manouver off the couch, contents of purse still intact, and look for other objects I might hurl at him should he decide he really DOES want to eat me! I am able to get to the kitchen, back to the safety of a phone to call 911 if need be. There we stood in a stand off. Me, newly armed with a large book, and my purse, and him with his back looking like the St. Louis Arch, hair on ends still hissing and growling (yes, cats GROWL!). I'm staring him down telling him to go in the other room, as if he will really listen! We're standing there for about a minute - feels like eternity - and I begin to wonder if it's all worth it. One of us might just die if the other is not careful! Finally the weakest of the two goes into the master bedroom, and hides under the bed. Gracefully, I tiptoe behind him and close the door, locking him in with no food, water, or litterbox. Oh, poor cat. As if I really have any pity for the bad little kitty.
Here I sit. In a dark house, that I am trying to sell, on a rainy day, with a clawless killer cat in the master bedroom, that now I can't show.
Yah, just ignore him and he'll go away... And the owners wonder why they haven't sold their house yet.....
I had committed to doing an open house this afternoon for a fellow Realtor in my office. Servicing a listing for another agent is a great way to build your client list of buyers, and it helps the owners feel that someone is doing something to sell their cute little house on the pond! So, I walk into the home, where I have been to previously and am greeted by the cat. Not just any old cat. A cat with a HUGE attitude. He is pearched on the couch that acts as a partitian wall between the entry and living room, and he is hissing at me. As I step closer to him, the cat bats at me repeatedly. He proceeds to sit into his hind legs as though he is going to launch!!! I did not even know how to react! I mean really, it's just a freakin cat! I back up, call the listing agent and explain to him that I would love to do the open house, but the cat has prevented me from entering the home. He offers to call the owners for me, and I retreat like a beaten human back to my car and wait.
The agent calls me back, and explains that the homeowner says the cat sometimes 'acts like this, don't worry, the cat has no claws, just ignore him and he will go away'......uh, huh...okay. So, I build up some new nerve and decide that "NO cat is going to stop me from doing MY JOB!"... yah. So, I burst through the door (quietly hoping he has moved on to a different part of the house), and realize he is laying in wait for the intruder to come back. I shield myself with my laptop, and have my handbag at the ready to ward off the beast!
I run past the cat (in heals, carrying a laptop, purse, and diet coke, keys, cell phone, etc) and try to get to the kitchen. The killer cat chases me through the house and corners me on the couch in the living room. At this point all I have left in my hand is my purse, which I am swinging through the air, and cussing at the cat violently, trying to get him to go away (very much like my exhusband!)! I am finally able to manouver off the couch, contents of purse still intact, and look for other objects I might hurl at him should he decide he really DOES want to eat me! I am able to get to the kitchen, back to the safety of a phone to call 911 if need be. There we stood in a stand off. Me, newly armed with a large book, and my purse, and him with his back looking like the St. Louis Arch, hair on ends still hissing and growling (yes, cats GROWL!). I'm staring him down telling him to go in the other room, as if he will really listen! We're standing there for about a minute - feels like eternity - and I begin to wonder if it's all worth it. One of us might just die if the other is not careful! Finally the weakest of the two goes into the master bedroom, and hides under the bed. Gracefully, I tiptoe behind him and close the door, locking him in with no food, water, or litterbox. Oh, poor cat. As if I really have any pity for the bad little kitty.
Here I sit. In a dark house, that I am trying to sell, on a rainy day, with a clawless killer cat in the master bedroom, that now I can't show.
Yah, just ignore him and he'll go away... And the owners wonder why they haven't sold their house yet.....
Monday, November 17, 2008
The moment that changed my life.... Spring, 2008
As I begin writing today, I know that I’m not in the best frame of mind. The weather outside is clear with a slight chill to the dry air, the wind gusting in from the north. A beautiful day, perfect for sitting with the windows cracked, while fresh air fights the sunshine to be first through the window. I filed my taxes last night, a new record for me- one day early. After I closed the last page of my first refund in years, Tammy called to check on me. Earlier in the evening, I had taken a quick break to return her youngest daughter, Sarah. Apparently I looked pretty wiped out and overwhelmed when we were at their house, so she wanted to make sure I was feeling alright. A culmination of activity was taking place in our home during the moment she called; kids were making their way to beds, I was conducting activity from the keyboard of my laptop, the kitchen mess was calling my name, and the book I wanted desperately to sit down to read was practically coming alive while sitting on my nightstand begging for attention. Tammy’s call was perfectly timed in spite of it all, as it usually is.
“Hey! You okay?” she began.
“Hey there, Sunshine, how are ya’?” I responded directly avoiding her question.
“You looked pretty beat earlier, just wanted to make sure you were okay”
“Tammy, if I could pay someone to breath for me, I would. That pretty much sums it up. I’m exhausted. I’m always tired. I don’t want to do anything anymore… Where do I go to give up? I’m empty and I’m bored. I feel so completely uninspired, unmotivated, and untouchable right now. And do you know what the worst part about it is?” I continued. “I have no reason to be. I have two beautiful children, I own my own home, have a great job, have a gorgeous car, and am relatively healthy. I want for nothing. But here I am, completely and utterly, blah. If this is it, take me now.”
This was not a startling realization. In fact, I’ve been reconciling this conclusion for a while now. At first it was difficult to admit, and much easier to blame on hormone fluctuations, job related stress, life related stress, etc. You name it, I would blame it! But here I am, in all my emotional nakedness, with no where left to run and hide. And I am raising my hands in surrender, with my palms and my tearful, weary eyes lifted to the Lord, screaming out, “I AM NOTHING!” And as I specifically remember this time last year, I was frustrated with being NOWHERE!
Ugh. I’m not sure if that made me feel better, or worse. What a sad revelation. The pit of emptiness that I have been living in for so long is almost to the point of complete takeover. Who am I, and what am I doing here? And how in God’s name did I get here?
I cannot speak for others out there, I can only account for me, and my emotional reaction to situations. In times such as these, when the harsh reality of my life comes swelling up to smack me in the face, I do not often ignore it, but I often keep too busy to deal with it. In the rat race of life, it is certainly easy to sweep these sorts of things under the rug and go on with our daily routines, pretending that merely existing is enough. I’m just as guilty as any in this department, rushing from here to there, burying myself in work and with kids, as not to notice my lack of depth. Mother, daughter, friend, realtor, Christian, woman, wife; I can play most parts very well- except wife. I failed miserably at that. Each is functional, dutiful, and loyal. Society has set expectations for each role and I have filled the order. Nonetheless, I have spent the latter half of my life going through the motions of existence, but totally missing the opportunity to immerse myself in the beauty of the life that was given to me through sacrifice. This brings me to where I am today- nowhere.
Well, I am actually somewhere. Specifically, I am sitting in front of my laptop, listening to the gust of winds blow fiercely against the house, and draft down the chimney, and I am attempting to do something, and apparently that is writing. If you asked me at this exact moment in time what I would be writing about, I would have to be honest and say, I have absolutely no idea. I will admit to only have been tugged at for years to write something. Each time the little voice in my head would tell me to write, I would respond with the sarcasm of myself, “what in the world would you write about, and why would anyone in their right mind read anything you have written?”
That’s a formidable question. This morning, as preparing for yet another day on the job that I am rapidly beginning to resent, I asked myself another question. You know, the one that every self-help book and journey to discovery story would have you ask: “If you had to do one thing for the rest of your life and be happy doing so, what would you do?” or better yet, “what is the one thing that you can’t NOT do for the rest of your life?” Now, for me to answer this is not easy in any way. You see, I am a jack of all trades. Good at most anything I set my mind to. But of course, as is the case with a jack of all trades, I am master at nothing. There are plenty of things out there that I enjoy doing. My current job in fact is one of the most satisfying fields that I have ever worked in, Real Estate. I love houses – the construction, the architecture, the design of the décor, floor plan, color, texture, placement on the land, lot lines, title searches, the list goes on. But as for being passionate about it, and it being fulfilling, this is not it for me. Lately, I have found my career a mere means to pay bills, if I’m lucky enough to do that. The day to day business of my career drains my excitement, and love of the product.
As I stood in the hot shower earlier this morning, pondering what I could do in life that would fulfill me, it made perfect sense. Writing has always been there. Even as a child I would write stories and poems and songs. I would imagine myself speaking in front of large audiences about life and love, and being a princess. Oh, I was always perfectly dressed too, carrying the most fashionable handbag and wearing a stunning pair of shoes. Throughout my youth, I kept a journal, and at moments in my life that I felt most challenged, I wrote religiously. Everything inside me needed to pour out, like letting a caged animal being set free.
Most days, I fully intend to be busy, but that was not the case at all today. This morning, after I dropped the children off at school, I pulled into the garage, closed the garage door, shut off the engine and closed my eyes. I was actually falling asleep when my cell phone vibrated on the shiny wood grain console of my car. “Now what? It’s only eight-fifteen,” I thought to myself. Looking down, I realized it was Tammy. “Thank God.” We chatted for a minute, and I headed into the house straightening the morning dishes as we spoke, found the bag of mini chocolate doughnuts and ate just one. Okay, two. Well, really it was three, but that’s all, I swear. After I concealed the evidence, I sat down at my laptop, hung up the phone and was thankful that Tammy had called and motivated me to get out of the car and into the house. Here’s where the productivity ceased: At my laptop, with another doughnut in my mouth. So I decided to write instead.
These last twelve months have been a year of minimizing for me. No man, no TV (yes, that’s right for nearly a year, no cable TV. Ghastly isn’t it!), little work, and relatively few close girlfriends. My family is all on the West Coast and the nearest relative lives about 3500 miles away. It’s just me, and the kids. As I look back on it now, this has been a year of tearing me down and isolating me and like a good soldier should do, I let myself break down.
When my children are away with their father, I have the opportunity to be just me, a single woman. Often Tammy and I spend time together and pretend to be younger and more carefree. Tammy has been dating a man for over two years and is required to devote some of her time to him. Those are the times I find myself bored to tears and lonely beyond belief. Prolonged solitude is not healthy for me, but I know that being alone is something that I need to get used to. I need to relearn how to be okay with being alone, especially during the day, outside of work. The time I have had to myself lately has magnified the feeling of nothingness, and emptiness. I’ve never before had so much time alone and it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to just be me. I no longer know what makes me happy, other than my children of course. I don’t know what excites me anymore as my fire burned out a long time ago.
I have to admit that the last week has been spent mildly unproductive. This week I suppose, has been focused on my many inadequacies. This morning, I stood in front of the mirror, taking notice to the deepening lines, pimples I was sure were going to go away after my teenage years and invasion of multiple gray hairs on my head – and that’s fully clothed. Naked in front of the mirror is a topic I never want to address in any forum! There I was in the middle of criticizing myself, and God interrupted.
Now, the standard disclaimer that should be required after announcing that God himself has spoken to you is going to be inserted here for those that think when God speaks his voice is actually heard within earshot and the recipient has then lost their mind. When I say ‘God spoke to me’, this is what I mean: He impressed a thought upon me that I knew was not my own, because it was not my natural tendency to think something of that nature and I know it was God because it was totally consistent with His teaching, and His Love. Of course this is not to say that this is the only way God speaks, but it is how He communicated with me today. Now that we have established that I have not lost my mind, at least not entirely anyway, I can tell you what He said.
The words rang within me that when God teaches you about yourself, he will focus on the AM not the AM NOT, and the CAN not the CANNOT. I’m starring at the mirror, running through fingers through my golden locks, and peering at my pimple and God wants me to hear this loud and clear. “Stop the self defamation, and listen up kid”, he seems to be saying. “If you are at My feet looking for direction, I will give it to you. But do not undermine My work with your constant second guessing, and criticizing of my work.”
That last part hits home big time. I know that’s not my thought – that’s Him, loud and clear. I am His work of art. Would you dare stand next to Monet, ask him how to paint and then criticize one of his most beautiful masterpieces? Not in a million years. And God is the artist we are talking about, and I do it everyday, all day long.
So if God wants focus on the AM, not the AM NOT what does that mean? The only explanation that I feel can do this justice is this; as I have taught my own children, don’t focus on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have. This is usually in terms of things, stuff, clothes, games, etc. If God is applying this to me, and my journey, and He is telling me to focus on what I am, not what I am not, I believe He is telling me to focus on the great qualities that he blessed me with- my strengths, not my weaknesses.
(When God teaches, it is typically pretty simplistic I’ve noticed and I AM the one that tends complicate it.)
Now to the CAN and CANNOT. Do I really need to explain this? God wants focus on what I can do, more importantly, what He can enable me to do. Spending any time at all worrying about what I cannot do is a colossal waste of time, ultimately keeping me from doing what I CAN do.
This applies to discerning when God is teaching me about myself, and when I am at work, undermining His will. If I am listening carefully to what He is saying, He will be talking very clearly about what I am; beautiful, intelligent and capable. Also, what I can do; love faithfully, walk faithfully, and speak faithfully. If I AM doing those things, I will be what He wills me to be, and not what I have decided to NOT be.
As I walk along my yet undiscovered road, and seek His guidance, I need to remember these lessons. I know this is all pretty basic, but I cannot help but wonder how many times I will have to learn it. I would like to say it will be only once, but the truth of the matter is that old habits die hard, especially when you are as stubborn of a woman such as me. I will have to be constantly reminded not to be the critic of the Great Artist, and simply enjoy being the masterpiece he created. By God’s hands I am destined for greatness and by my own hands I am accepting, too accepting, of mediocrity. Why not put down my brush, and let the Artist take up His to finish His masterpiece? I am the only one standing in the way of where and who I should be. Now the question is where do I go from here? I can feel it inside of me like an unstoppable force – write. I have to do it. Today I step faithfully out into the world not knowing where I am to land with the confidence that I am to do one thing – write.
“Hey! You okay?” she began.
“Hey there, Sunshine, how are ya’?” I responded directly avoiding her question.
“You looked pretty beat earlier, just wanted to make sure you were okay”
“Tammy, if I could pay someone to breath for me, I would. That pretty much sums it up. I’m exhausted. I’m always tired. I don’t want to do anything anymore… Where do I go to give up? I’m empty and I’m bored. I feel so completely uninspired, unmotivated, and untouchable right now. And do you know what the worst part about it is?” I continued. “I have no reason to be. I have two beautiful children, I own my own home, have a great job, have a gorgeous car, and am relatively healthy. I want for nothing. But here I am, completely and utterly, blah. If this is it, take me now.”
This was not a startling realization. In fact, I’ve been reconciling this conclusion for a while now. At first it was difficult to admit, and much easier to blame on hormone fluctuations, job related stress, life related stress, etc. You name it, I would blame it! But here I am, in all my emotional nakedness, with no where left to run and hide. And I am raising my hands in surrender, with my palms and my tearful, weary eyes lifted to the Lord, screaming out, “I AM NOTHING!” And as I specifically remember this time last year, I was frustrated with being NOWHERE!
Ugh. I’m not sure if that made me feel better, or worse. What a sad revelation. The pit of emptiness that I have been living in for so long is almost to the point of complete takeover. Who am I, and what am I doing here? And how in God’s name did I get here?
I cannot speak for others out there, I can only account for me, and my emotional reaction to situations. In times such as these, when the harsh reality of my life comes swelling up to smack me in the face, I do not often ignore it, but I often keep too busy to deal with it. In the rat race of life, it is certainly easy to sweep these sorts of things under the rug and go on with our daily routines, pretending that merely existing is enough. I’m just as guilty as any in this department, rushing from here to there, burying myself in work and with kids, as not to notice my lack of depth. Mother, daughter, friend, realtor, Christian, woman, wife; I can play most parts very well- except wife. I failed miserably at that. Each is functional, dutiful, and loyal. Society has set expectations for each role and I have filled the order. Nonetheless, I have spent the latter half of my life going through the motions of existence, but totally missing the opportunity to immerse myself in the beauty of the life that was given to me through sacrifice. This brings me to where I am today- nowhere.
Well, I am actually somewhere. Specifically, I am sitting in front of my laptop, listening to the gust of winds blow fiercely against the house, and draft down the chimney, and I am attempting to do something, and apparently that is writing. If you asked me at this exact moment in time what I would be writing about, I would have to be honest and say, I have absolutely no idea. I will admit to only have been tugged at for years to write something. Each time the little voice in my head would tell me to write, I would respond with the sarcasm of myself, “what in the world would you write about, and why would anyone in their right mind read anything you have written?”
That’s a formidable question. This morning, as preparing for yet another day on the job that I am rapidly beginning to resent, I asked myself another question. You know, the one that every self-help book and journey to discovery story would have you ask: “If you had to do one thing for the rest of your life and be happy doing so, what would you do?” or better yet, “what is the one thing that you can’t NOT do for the rest of your life?” Now, for me to answer this is not easy in any way. You see, I am a jack of all trades. Good at most anything I set my mind to. But of course, as is the case with a jack of all trades, I am master at nothing. There are plenty of things out there that I enjoy doing. My current job in fact is one of the most satisfying fields that I have ever worked in, Real Estate. I love houses – the construction, the architecture, the design of the décor, floor plan, color, texture, placement on the land, lot lines, title searches, the list goes on. But as for being passionate about it, and it being fulfilling, this is not it for me. Lately, I have found my career a mere means to pay bills, if I’m lucky enough to do that. The day to day business of my career drains my excitement, and love of the product.
As I stood in the hot shower earlier this morning, pondering what I could do in life that would fulfill me, it made perfect sense. Writing has always been there. Even as a child I would write stories and poems and songs. I would imagine myself speaking in front of large audiences about life and love, and being a princess. Oh, I was always perfectly dressed too, carrying the most fashionable handbag and wearing a stunning pair of shoes. Throughout my youth, I kept a journal, and at moments in my life that I felt most challenged, I wrote religiously. Everything inside me needed to pour out, like letting a caged animal being set free.
Most days, I fully intend to be busy, but that was not the case at all today. This morning, after I dropped the children off at school, I pulled into the garage, closed the garage door, shut off the engine and closed my eyes. I was actually falling asleep when my cell phone vibrated on the shiny wood grain console of my car. “Now what? It’s only eight-fifteen,” I thought to myself. Looking down, I realized it was Tammy. “Thank God.” We chatted for a minute, and I headed into the house straightening the morning dishes as we spoke, found the bag of mini chocolate doughnuts and ate just one. Okay, two. Well, really it was three, but that’s all, I swear. After I concealed the evidence, I sat down at my laptop, hung up the phone and was thankful that Tammy had called and motivated me to get out of the car and into the house. Here’s where the productivity ceased: At my laptop, with another doughnut in my mouth. So I decided to write instead.
These last twelve months have been a year of minimizing for me. No man, no TV (yes, that’s right for nearly a year, no cable TV. Ghastly isn’t it!), little work, and relatively few close girlfriends. My family is all on the West Coast and the nearest relative lives about 3500 miles away. It’s just me, and the kids. As I look back on it now, this has been a year of tearing me down and isolating me and like a good soldier should do, I let myself break down.
When my children are away with their father, I have the opportunity to be just me, a single woman. Often Tammy and I spend time together and pretend to be younger and more carefree. Tammy has been dating a man for over two years and is required to devote some of her time to him. Those are the times I find myself bored to tears and lonely beyond belief. Prolonged solitude is not healthy for me, but I know that being alone is something that I need to get used to. I need to relearn how to be okay with being alone, especially during the day, outside of work. The time I have had to myself lately has magnified the feeling of nothingness, and emptiness. I’ve never before had so much time alone and it’s been a long time since I’ve been able to just be me. I no longer know what makes me happy, other than my children of course. I don’t know what excites me anymore as my fire burned out a long time ago.
I have to admit that the last week has been spent mildly unproductive. This week I suppose, has been focused on my many inadequacies. This morning, I stood in front of the mirror, taking notice to the deepening lines, pimples I was sure were going to go away after my teenage years and invasion of multiple gray hairs on my head – and that’s fully clothed. Naked in front of the mirror is a topic I never want to address in any forum! There I was in the middle of criticizing myself, and God interrupted.
Now, the standard disclaimer that should be required after announcing that God himself has spoken to you is going to be inserted here for those that think when God speaks his voice is actually heard within earshot and the recipient has then lost their mind. When I say ‘God spoke to me’, this is what I mean: He impressed a thought upon me that I knew was not my own, because it was not my natural tendency to think something of that nature and I know it was God because it was totally consistent with His teaching, and His Love. Of course this is not to say that this is the only way God speaks, but it is how He communicated with me today. Now that we have established that I have not lost my mind, at least not entirely anyway, I can tell you what He said.
The words rang within me that when God teaches you about yourself, he will focus on the AM not the AM NOT, and the CAN not the CANNOT. I’m starring at the mirror, running through fingers through my golden locks, and peering at my pimple and God wants me to hear this loud and clear. “Stop the self defamation, and listen up kid”, he seems to be saying. “If you are at My feet looking for direction, I will give it to you. But do not undermine My work with your constant second guessing, and criticizing of my work.”
That last part hits home big time. I know that’s not my thought – that’s Him, loud and clear. I am His work of art. Would you dare stand next to Monet, ask him how to paint and then criticize one of his most beautiful masterpieces? Not in a million years. And God is the artist we are talking about, and I do it everyday, all day long.
So if God wants focus on the AM, not the AM NOT what does that mean? The only explanation that I feel can do this justice is this; as I have taught my own children, don’t focus on what you don’t have, focus on what you do have. This is usually in terms of things, stuff, clothes, games, etc. If God is applying this to me, and my journey, and He is telling me to focus on what I am, not what I am not, I believe He is telling me to focus on the great qualities that he blessed me with- my strengths, not my weaknesses.
(When God teaches, it is typically pretty simplistic I’ve noticed and I AM the one that tends complicate it.)
Now to the CAN and CANNOT. Do I really need to explain this? God wants focus on what I can do, more importantly, what He can enable me to do. Spending any time at all worrying about what I cannot do is a colossal waste of time, ultimately keeping me from doing what I CAN do.
This applies to discerning when God is teaching me about myself, and when I am at work, undermining His will. If I am listening carefully to what He is saying, He will be talking very clearly about what I am; beautiful, intelligent and capable. Also, what I can do; love faithfully, walk faithfully, and speak faithfully. If I AM doing those things, I will be what He wills me to be, and not what I have decided to NOT be.
As I walk along my yet undiscovered road, and seek His guidance, I need to remember these lessons. I know this is all pretty basic, but I cannot help but wonder how many times I will have to learn it. I would like to say it will be only once, but the truth of the matter is that old habits die hard, especially when you are as stubborn of a woman such as me. I will have to be constantly reminded not to be the critic of the Great Artist, and simply enjoy being the masterpiece he created. By God’s hands I am destined for greatness and by my own hands I am accepting, too accepting, of mediocrity. Why not put down my brush, and let the Artist take up His to finish His masterpiece? I am the only one standing in the way of where and who I should be. Now the question is where do I go from here? I can feel it inside of me like an unstoppable force – write. I have to do it. Today I step faithfully out into the world not knowing where I am to land with the confidence that I am to do one thing – write.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Written a while back, 2007
The following is a journal entry from last year, 2007 in early spring. Life was changing fast in some aspects, and not fast enough in others. In the end, the picture to the left reminded me what my purpose on this earth is- to be a mother to my children. This of course is not my only purpose, but it is one that has lifelong effects, for generations to come. Sometimes it takes a gentle reminder to refocus our direction and efforts. This picture is my reminder.
Written Last year...
"You will never leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be." March 13, 2007
Almost desperate for some words of encouragement to boost the motivation in my real estate career, I clicked on the bulk email sent by Lowe's Home Improvement to Realtors for practical advice. Advice that might trigger some thought or action, power lifting my career to unimaginable heights despite the sluggish and dreary market. Instead, the words "You will never leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be" came scrolling across the screen like a dagger in my eyes; more accurately- a knife in the heart and a blow to my spirit. I am certain in most cases that those words would have been motivating for people that are already on an intentional path. Those that have already had their path set on a course, and are only in need of a little wind in there sail. I on the other hand, at the age of 32, am still searching for that path. At this point in my life, I feel stuck. It's as though I am in the middle of a very dense forest, trees everywhere, nighttime has fallen, and I have no idea how to get out, if I want to get out at all.
The past few years have been more than a little challenging. After the divorce, I was prematurely forced back into the work force. Career choices had to be made and God opened doors and blessed me with a job that took me through very tough financial times. He provided a period of time when there was no worry about money, or how bills were going to be paid. I rested in those moments, and it allowed me to keep my focus on my children, and transition them through life changes. For that I am truly thankful. As time has passed though, the real estate market has slowed significantly, and I am left to consider if this is where God wants me to be in terms of career. As much as I have enjoyed the real estate industry, is this what He has designed me to do? Is this where I am to serve him? Is this what I am to do to provide for my family? Am I making a big deal out of nothing? Should I just shut up and do my job? So many questions, and no answers. I look for answers every where. Just show me a sign. Big billboard signs please, Lord, because I am only a stupid human and I need "in your face" kind of signs. But, nothing. No trace of direction.
So, back to those words "You will never leave where you are, until you decide where you want to be". Wow, what if you don't know where you want to be? What if you have lost all desire to be anything – to go any particular place. What if there is nothing in your heart that says "Go. Do." How do you get out of where you are? I know I don't want to be here, in this void, but I have no idea where to go from here. I'm just – here. That is totally unlike me. I have always had a direction, and been highly motivated. All that is gone.
Now what?
As a Christian, and a believer of God, and a "saved woman ( at least I hope I'm saved)", I tell myself that it is perfectly okay to not know where I am going next. After all, now God can take you where He wants you to be. When you loose your direction, it leaves more room for God's direction. When the ground you are standing on falls out from under you, The rock that is God is right there to land on. When you feel blind, God gives you light. When you are lost, God is guiding you always. When you hurt, God is there to comfort you. I know all of the spiritual answers. I know where to look for God's Love and Grace. But knowing it and believing it are two different things. Right now, I am struggling with believing it.
I know He is here, though for the life of me, I can't figure out why He loves little old me. I know he has a plan for me. It is the belief that I am capable of those plans that I am lacking at this moment. I don't believe that my heart can be healed, and softened again. I don't believe that I am worthy of His mercy and abundant blessings that He promised.
Writing those words hurts. Getting it out hurts. Admitting that I am lacking in faith hurts. It diminishes who I am, and more importantly diminishes what God has created. I feel like it is a slap in God's face to say those things. When God has plans for us, it is He that equips us. ("God does not call the equipped, He equips the called"). I just want to believe it.
For right now, I suppose I need to concentrate less on where I should end up, and focus on believing that no matter what direction my next step is in, that God will be there to plant my foot on solid ground. "
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Alice in Wonderland Syndrome...
If I'm going to wake up repeatedly in the middle of the night like this and write, I'm going to have to invest in a back lit keyboard. Funny story actually, my friend Jason and I were both complaining about not being able to see the keyboard in low lit rooms or at night when we both tend to write or explore the Internet. We decided we should invent the back lit keyboard like we have on our phones. He had been thinking about it for months, and I only a few minutes. Me being the smarter of the two sexes went directly to google to make sure it had not already been done, and there it was. Back lit keyboards... I love google- the world of knowledge at your fingertips.
Right now it is 2:09 am and I know what you are thinking; my heel woke me up and now I'm going to subject you to some middle of the night ramblings. Well, you're wrong. Something outside woke me up, and now I'm going to subject you to some middle of the night ramblings!
My plan this morning was pretty simple. My friend was going to wake me up in the am, around 5:45, because I have a lot to get done today and I need a head start. Also, school starts next week and I want to be ahead of the game sleep wise so I'm training my body. I will absolutely without a doubt ignore my alarm clock, but will not ignore my friend, and in fact will engage in conversation effectively waking up my mind. Don't you love how we plan things with the best of intentions only to have them preempted by a higher power?
The noise outside happened at about 1:40. I laid there for a few minutes after that thinking 'I need to wake up early, I can't be awake now.' Then everything else hit me, and I knew I had no choice but to get up and write. That brings us to Alice in Wonderland. I have proven to you in the past that my random thoughts will come full circle, so please, just follow me here.
We begin in a hole.
I was laying there reviewing conversations I have had in the past few days with friends and this is where I end up. In a hole. Not necessarily me inparticular, but several people in their own holes. I can take this two different routes to come back to my point, and I think I will, so you are going to have to split screen your mind for a few minutes.
Imagine you are in a hole by yourself. The walls are pretty tall around you, and you can see the outside above you. It's light out there, but your hole is dimly lit making it difficult to see around you.
Split screen here.
Remember Alice in Wonderland? Specifically, the scene where she is falling down the rabbit hole. She's falling, and falling and falling and as she falls she starts seeing things that resemble semi-normal. Pictures, chairs, belongings, clocks, basic stuff. When she reaches the bottom, she finds herself in a foreign place with a tiny door to get out. All she has to do is make herself the right size. Then she does exactly that, and shes out. Into a world that could only have been conjured up by a bad acid trip, with obstacles and road blocks only the insane could possibly concoct. I know that's a little extreme, but come on, singing flowers? A disappearing cat? Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum? The bizarre characters and encounters in this movie are so far out there that when you watch it, you tend to forget she actually has a purpose- to get home. To get out of the rabbit hole.
Now that we have two pictures painted, I have to tell you a little story about my son, Conor and a common theme that has been repeatedly presented to me this past week. Conor is my little love bug. He's only seven but he is nearly as tall as me (a feat not really all that challenging considering I am a mere 5'3" and shrinking), weighs 70 pounds (this is where I have him- I'm gaining ground here!). Conor likes to play with the older kids, and keeps up very well. So well in fact, I sometimes forget that he is only seven, and has not really caught up with the rest of them yet in the emotional management department.
Conor, myself and the Dorkfi (AKA Tatum and Sarah), did a little school shopping at Bealls yesterday. They were having a terrific sale with basically 90% off the clearance items.. LOVE IT! Anyhow, we went specifically to check out the shoes. I found a pair of black ETNIES for Conor. He really wanted skater shoes (which he already has, but they're not NEW). I was so excited! I could get him the skater shoes and they were only $11. Unfortunately though, they were about one size two big. That's okay, I thought, his foot is not going to stop growing, I'll get them and we can put them away for winter! This is torturous thinking for a child though, to get new shoes that you love and have your mother tell you that wearing them is not on the books for a couple of months. Needless to say I spent the rest of the day listening to Conor convince me that they fit just fine, especially with four pairs of socks.
"Mom- is it going to be cold tonight?" he asks.
"No Son. It's August in Florida. We're not due for cold for another 5 months. Why do you ask?"
"Cause I want to wear my new sweatshirt and jeans and shoes tomorrow." Duh mom, was his tone.
In his mind, he just fast forward 6 months to winter. I wanted to ask him how Christmas turned out for him, because I missed it! Unintentionally, I put him in a hole.
Transition. Limbo. Plateau in life. A state of wait. Stagnancy. This is our hole. A hole most of us tend to put ourselves in and I just put my son in one, and he has no idea. That therapy bill just went through the roof! I'll never get to retire!
I have had several conversations with different people in my life about this exact subject. One is "stuck" in a town he does not want to live in, because he wants to move back to Orlando and is "waiting" for this company to make him an offer for employment. A few are in relationships they are either not sure where they are going, or if they are going to stay in, or get out. Then there's my parents, who are in a major transition in their lives with my dad, after 18 years with the same company, and 40 years in the same industry, suddenly without a job and not sure where they are going next.
I suppose that is what I was really thinking about when I woke up this morning. All of these people in my life that are in transition, and stagnant, stuck, waiting, and feeling the pain, and sadness of these moments.
"I'll be a lot happier when I'm not here."
"I'll feel better when I figure out what to do."
"I can't wait till I'm older, and bigger. It's going to be sooo great." (okay, so this really only applies to kids, because none of us adults really want to be older and bigger! lol)
Can we say, the grass is greener on the other side? We've all had these moments, I'm likely the worst offender. Can we say- California? HOLE. Divorce- HOLE (really, this one, I was so happy to be in a hole!!) More accurately for me- Marriage was my hole, but that's another story all together.
But here's the kicker- the misery we feel in all these transitional, stagnant, waiting stages is our own damned fault. We put ourselves, OR allow someone else to put us in these holes. When we put ourselves in these holes, we tend to curl up in the fetal position and whine robbing ourselves of life.
Back to Alice
So, remember the Alice in Wonderland story from beginning to end? Let's focus on the beginning for a minute. She was in a field of flowers, sitting under a tree reading a book. She's relaxed, and happy. Then she fell asleep remember, she was dreaming. That's when she fell down the rabbit hole. Her mind created every obstacle that she faced. It was all self inflicted. The Mad Tea Party, the grumpy flower, the confusion of Tweedle Dee and Dum. The walrus and the oysters (is it me, or was that part of the movie just pointless?) Her hole was really weird, and fictional I know, but nonetheless, its a hole. She created it, she lived in it, and only she had the power to get herself out of it.
Back to the hole you imagined yourself in.
Here we are in our own hole. Our Alice in Wonderland Syndrome hole. This is where we go when we feel like our life is in transition, or we are waiting for something to make us happier. Where we go when we are waiting for life to start again. Our hole is made up of a wall of rocks/bricks/stones/sticks, whatever it doesn't really matter. The only thing about this that does matter, is that we create it. We stack the bricks, the stones, the sticks whatever. We create our own obstacles that seemingly keep us in the hole. And every time we say "it'll be better when" we stack another, adding to the depth of our hole. "I'll be happier when"- stack up another. I can't do this right now, it has to wait until I have this, or that, or am in a different place. The point I'm trying to make is that we are not digging, we're stacking. We are right where we should be, but the lack of acceptance, or giving in to the discomfort transition causes, builds up the walls of your "hole". Alice did not really fall down a hole, she was right where she needed to be - reading. And we are right where we need to be- wherever we are.
I'm going to have to dig here for a minute because as much as I love the Lord, I don't know my bible verses very well, so I'm going to look this up to find the right scripture. What it boils down to is this, bloom where you're planted. But I don't want to pull a Joel Osteen, I want there to be biblical substance for this late night rambling....
Let's start here: JOB 36; 15 ..."But those who suffer, He delivers IN their suffering; He speaks to them IN their affliction.
Adding to that, Matthew 6; 25-33.. This is a long one, click here and read it: http://bibleresources.bible.com/passagesearchresults.php?passage1=matthew+6%3A+25-33&version1=53
That took a while for me to find, and I'm still not so sure I found the right scriptures for the point I'm trying to make. But they are both good in general. I'll start with JOB, poor Job. The man had literally everything in his life taken away. He was in a state of permanent transition. But the entire time, he served God. He kept going. He didn't crawl in a hole. He allowed God to work on him IN his suffering, and IN his affliction. (Side note: speaking of suffering, remember Paul, he was in chains when he wrote his letters)
On to Matthew, the bullet point version is this, stop worrying about tomorrow, and all your needs, and how you are going to get them, He will provide. Focus on where you are today, and the type of person you are today. "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be given to you as well."
I suppose what I am attempting to say is that when we hide in our hole, we miss out on where we are today. We are robbing ourselves of today's life and all the opportunity we have to live, to serve, and to experience even if it's not where we want to be. Sometimes, we just have to be. Be where we are and be good at it, or at least try to be. I struggle with this myself, and often have to give myself a reality check by asking myself this: Why would God move me from where I am, if I have yet to embrace where he has already placed me?
The mind of a child is like a sponge, soaking up exurbanite amounts of information. Its amazing to watch a child from birth to teenage years and all that they have learned. At some point though, our sponges dry up, and we become stagnant adults, possibly wasting away in our misery because life has not turned out the way we wanted, and we would be happier, if only..... But if we step back and think about the role transition plays in our life, we have go to remember one thing: Our entire life is transition from Birth to Death. We are effectively in Limbo our entire time here on earth. So why then do we wilt when we are in situational limbo, and put life on hold because we are situationally stagnant.
All this to say: Live where you are. Learn where you are. Don't let yourself, or anyone else push the pause button on life because you are in limbo, or transitioning, or feeling stagnant. And quit being an Alice creating road blocks in your life - there's enough of them out there already!
It's now 4:45, and my alarm is going off in an hour. I guess I should try to get back to sleep now... Sorry to torture you all with my late night ramblings!
While searching, I found a relavent passage... Mark 5; 21-43... Specifically verse 36. but the entire passage ties a little in to this..
Right now it is 2:09 am and I know what you are thinking; my heel woke me up and now I'm going to subject you to some middle of the night ramblings. Well, you're wrong. Something outside woke me up, and now I'm going to subject you to some middle of the night ramblings!
My plan this morning was pretty simple. My friend was going to wake me up in the am, around 5:45, because I have a lot to get done today and I need a head start. Also, school starts next week and I want to be ahead of the game sleep wise so I'm training my body. I will absolutely without a doubt ignore my alarm clock, but will not ignore my friend, and in fact will engage in conversation effectively waking up my mind. Don't you love how we plan things with the best of intentions only to have them preempted by a higher power?
The noise outside happened at about 1:40. I laid there for a few minutes after that thinking 'I need to wake up early, I can't be awake now.' Then everything else hit me, and I knew I had no choice but to get up and write. That brings us to Alice in Wonderland. I have proven to you in the past that my random thoughts will come full circle, so please, just follow me here.
We begin in a hole.
I was laying there reviewing conversations I have had in the past few days with friends and this is where I end up. In a hole. Not necessarily me inparticular, but several people in their own holes. I can take this two different routes to come back to my point, and I think I will, so you are going to have to split screen your mind for a few minutes.
Imagine you are in a hole by yourself. The walls are pretty tall around you, and you can see the outside above you. It's light out there, but your hole is dimly lit making it difficult to see around you.
Split screen here.
Remember Alice in Wonderland? Specifically, the scene where she is falling down the rabbit hole. She's falling, and falling and falling and as she falls she starts seeing things that resemble semi-normal. Pictures, chairs, belongings, clocks, basic stuff. When she reaches the bottom, she finds herself in a foreign place with a tiny door to get out. All she has to do is make herself the right size. Then she does exactly that, and shes out. Into a world that could only have been conjured up by a bad acid trip, with obstacles and road blocks only the insane could possibly concoct. I know that's a little extreme, but come on, singing flowers? A disappearing cat? Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum? The bizarre characters and encounters in this movie are so far out there that when you watch it, you tend to forget she actually has a purpose- to get home. To get out of the rabbit hole.
Now that we have two pictures painted, I have to tell you a little story about my son, Conor and a common theme that has been repeatedly presented to me this past week. Conor is my little love bug. He's only seven but he is nearly as tall as me (a feat not really all that challenging considering I am a mere 5'3" and shrinking), weighs 70 pounds (this is where I have him- I'm gaining ground here!). Conor likes to play with the older kids, and keeps up very well. So well in fact, I sometimes forget that he is only seven, and has not really caught up with the rest of them yet in the emotional management department.
Conor, myself and the Dorkfi (AKA Tatum and Sarah), did a little school shopping at Bealls yesterday. They were having a terrific sale with basically 90% off the clearance items.. LOVE IT! Anyhow, we went specifically to check out the shoes. I found a pair of black ETNIES for Conor. He really wanted skater shoes (which he already has, but they're not NEW). I was so excited! I could get him the skater shoes and they were only $11. Unfortunately though, they were about one size two big. That's okay, I thought, his foot is not going to stop growing, I'll get them and we can put them away for winter! This is torturous thinking for a child though, to get new shoes that you love and have your mother tell you that wearing them is not on the books for a couple of months. Needless to say I spent the rest of the day listening to Conor convince me that they fit just fine, especially with four pairs of socks.
"Mom- is it going to be cold tonight?" he asks.
"No Son. It's August in Florida. We're not due for cold for another 5 months. Why do you ask?"
"Cause I want to wear my new sweatshirt and jeans and shoes tomorrow." Duh mom, was his tone.
In his mind, he just fast forward 6 months to winter. I wanted to ask him how Christmas turned out for him, because I missed it! Unintentionally, I put him in a hole.
Transition. Limbo. Plateau in life. A state of wait. Stagnancy. This is our hole. A hole most of us tend to put ourselves in and I just put my son in one, and he has no idea. That therapy bill just went through the roof! I'll never get to retire!
I have had several conversations with different people in my life about this exact subject. One is "stuck" in a town he does not want to live in, because he wants to move back to Orlando and is "waiting" for this company to make him an offer for employment. A few are in relationships they are either not sure where they are going, or if they are going to stay in, or get out. Then there's my parents, who are in a major transition in their lives with my dad, after 18 years with the same company, and 40 years in the same industry, suddenly without a job and not sure where they are going next.
I suppose that is what I was really thinking about when I woke up this morning. All of these people in my life that are in transition, and stagnant, stuck, waiting, and feeling the pain, and sadness of these moments.
"I'll be a lot happier when I'm not here."
"I'll feel better when I figure out what to do."
"I can't wait till I'm older, and bigger. It's going to be sooo great." (okay, so this really only applies to kids, because none of us adults really want to be older and bigger! lol)
Can we say, the grass is greener on the other side? We've all had these moments, I'm likely the worst offender. Can we say- California? HOLE. Divorce- HOLE (really, this one, I was so happy to be in a hole!!) More accurately for me- Marriage was my hole, but that's another story all together.
But here's the kicker- the misery we feel in all these transitional, stagnant, waiting stages is our own damned fault. We put ourselves, OR allow someone else to put us in these holes. When we put ourselves in these holes, we tend to curl up in the fetal position and whine robbing ourselves of life.
Back to Alice
So, remember the Alice in Wonderland story from beginning to end? Let's focus on the beginning for a minute. She was in a field of flowers, sitting under a tree reading a book. She's relaxed, and happy. Then she fell asleep remember, she was dreaming. That's when she fell down the rabbit hole. Her mind created every obstacle that she faced. It was all self inflicted. The Mad Tea Party, the grumpy flower, the confusion of Tweedle Dee and Dum. The walrus and the oysters (is it me, or was that part of the movie just pointless?) Her hole was really weird, and fictional I know, but nonetheless, its a hole. She created it, she lived in it, and only she had the power to get herself out of it.
Back to the hole you imagined yourself in.
Here we are in our own hole. Our Alice in Wonderland Syndrome hole. This is where we go when we feel like our life is in transition, or we are waiting for something to make us happier. Where we go when we are waiting for life to start again. Our hole is made up of a wall of rocks/bricks/stones/sticks, whatever it doesn't really matter. The only thing about this that does matter, is that we create it. We stack the bricks, the stones, the sticks whatever. We create our own obstacles that seemingly keep us in the hole. And every time we say "it'll be better when" we stack another, adding to the depth of our hole. "I'll be happier when"- stack up another. I can't do this right now, it has to wait until I have this, or that, or am in a different place. The point I'm trying to make is that we are not digging, we're stacking. We are right where we should be, but the lack of acceptance, or giving in to the discomfort transition causes, builds up the walls of your "hole". Alice did not really fall down a hole, she was right where she needed to be - reading. And we are right where we need to be- wherever we are.
I'm going to have to dig here for a minute because as much as I love the Lord, I don't know my bible verses very well, so I'm going to look this up to find the right scripture. What it boils down to is this, bloom where you're planted. But I don't want to pull a Joel Osteen, I want there to be biblical substance for this late night rambling....
Let's start here: JOB 36; 15 ..."But those who suffer, He delivers IN their suffering; He speaks to them IN their affliction.
Adding to that, Matthew 6; 25-33.. This is a long one, click here and read it: http://bibleresources.bible.com/passagesearchresults.php?passage1=matthew+6%3A+25-33&version1=53
That took a while for me to find, and I'm still not so sure I found the right scriptures for the point I'm trying to make. But they are both good in general. I'll start with JOB, poor Job. The man had literally everything in his life taken away. He was in a state of permanent transition. But the entire time, he served God. He kept going. He didn't crawl in a hole. He allowed God to work on him IN his suffering, and IN his affliction. (Side note: speaking of suffering, remember Paul, he was in chains when he wrote his letters)
On to Matthew, the bullet point version is this, stop worrying about tomorrow, and all your needs, and how you are going to get them, He will provide. Focus on where you are today, and the type of person you are today. "Seek first the Kingdom of God, and all these things will be given to you as well."
I suppose what I am attempting to say is that when we hide in our hole, we miss out on where we are today. We are robbing ourselves of today's life and all the opportunity we have to live, to serve, and to experience even if it's not where we want to be. Sometimes, we just have to be. Be where we are and be good at it, or at least try to be. I struggle with this myself, and often have to give myself a reality check by asking myself this: Why would God move me from where I am, if I have yet to embrace where he has already placed me?
The mind of a child is like a sponge, soaking up exurbanite amounts of information. Its amazing to watch a child from birth to teenage years and all that they have learned. At some point though, our sponges dry up, and we become stagnant adults, possibly wasting away in our misery because life has not turned out the way we wanted, and we would be happier, if only..... But if we step back and think about the role transition plays in our life, we have go to remember one thing: Our entire life is transition from Birth to Death. We are effectively in Limbo our entire time here on earth. So why then do we wilt when we are in situational limbo, and put life on hold because we are situationally stagnant.
All this to say: Live where you are. Learn where you are. Don't let yourself, or anyone else push the pause button on life because you are in limbo, or transitioning, or feeling stagnant. And quit being an Alice creating road blocks in your life - there's enough of them out there already!
It's now 4:45, and my alarm is going off in an hour. I guess I should try to get back to sleep now... Sorry to torture you all with my late night ramblings!
While searching, I found a relavent passage... Mark 5; 21-43... Specifically verse 36. but the entire passage ties a little in to this..
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